Take off that cap at the table… Heineken review!


My name is not Goliath, nor am I to the beer industry what a mouse is to an elephant. I stand alone and small in size with a rock in my hand and I’m about to throw it at the mountain that is Heineken. Don’t worry, it won’t feel a thing.

Look, quite honestly, Heineken isn’t a great beer and most of my peers would agree. It is a well celebrated beer from Holland that has somehow elbowed its way through heavy weight champions like Labatt Blue, Budweiser, Coors and Molson and for that, it deserves some sort of acknowledgment. I hope the people in marketing at Heineken, were well paid in the 90s because they did an outstanding job promoting it.

Heineken is a beer that might have been great at one time but much like Guinness or Corona -both imported- it has become an import icon for the main stream. I guess you could say that Heineken is for the pretentious common denominator. Ouch!

It’s all about the young “bros” climbing corporate ladders, high-fiving each other along the way and dressing up in poorly fitted suits and Tommy Hilfiger knock-offs. As they dream of the day they’ll get to kick the tires on their Ferrari, they identify to the false luxury that is Heineken and a Mont Blanc pen. They’ll also come to understand the smell that one looks for when sniffing the cork on an expensive bottle of wine ordered to impress the lady. Let’s just hope they also learn not to smell the cork; that’s the sommelier’s job. Unfortunately, Heineken seems to be the symbolic gateway to success. It’s a beer that meets halfway between one’s interpretation of wealth and knowledge of beer. Their “awesomeness” is defined by an imported beer that provides them the illusion of “connoisseurism” and high society yet no one ever told them to take off their backward baseball cap at the dinner table.

Wow… If the few readers I have identify to this lifestyle, I have lost their vote!

I suppose I also could use some anger management. No. Instead, get a sense of humor and know that I was once that young want-to-be master of the universe I just described!

Heiny pours a clear light yellow with good bubbles. It had 2 fingers worth of head that leaves behind some lacing. The smell is that of stale wheat, some sweetness and some metal. I didn’t get the skunk smell that many drinkers claim to encounter but then again, I wasn’t looking for it. What I mean by that is I tried not to go there in my mind, because it has become a go-to to look for in Heineken. And, don’t get me started with the green bottle vs. brown bottle and the UV rays and… blah blah… (Read my clear bottle debate instead).

Heineken’s taste is similar to the smell. Some corn, some malt and good alcohol kick for a 5%. Someone referred to the sweetness as “manufactured sweetness” and I thought it was interestingly put. I don’t know how to explain it but I agree. It’s got the same old metallic, bland, cooked vegetable feel as other inexpensive beers and for that, I have to say that Heineken is not worth your money. You can get the same thing for a couple of bucks less on a case of 12.

Price: 13.65$ (6x 330ml)

Beer type: Pale lager

Alcohol/Vol.: 5%

Brewery: Molson Coors Canada

Country / Region: Holland

Cheers!

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